"Things That Suck"
thought of more? send them to me.

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Note: Good writers can pull these things off, but why would they want to? And also, my ramblings start to sound like a really insistant Kit Kat commercial, with all the requested breaks. You'll see.

Warning: If you are not a good writer, don't even attempt these things. And if you are unsure if you are good: Then you probably ARE NOT. So just... don't bother. And hey, Good Writers? Please don't do these things, because they suck. Not to imply that stories that have these elements in then necessarily suck. Some good stories actually contain a few of these things. These are just stuff I see in fics that make me Argh. I know I'm guilty of a few myself, and I Argh in memory!

Last Updated: 02.01.04

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I don't want to read: stories where they get pregnant. Give me a goddamn break. Yay, fat and irritable boys? I think NOT.

I don't want to read: stories where they are physically abusive. Unless it's done in some incredibly awesome way.

I don't want to read: stories where everyone has the same sucky personality, because the author is unable to write distinct characterizations for each person, so everyone acts like a frickin' woman. A melodramatic, schoompy woman. Why do people think that Nsync called Justin "sweetheart" until he was roughly nineteen? Because I'd bet money that they didn't. Like, a lot of money.

I don't want to read: stories that give you a toothache, unless they are done in some incredibly awesome way. If they spend the whole story giving each other butterfly kisses and flowers, no thanks. Why do so many slash stories read as though they're about a lesbian couple? A schmoopy lesbian couple?

I don't want to read: stories where people are having sex with thier relatives. What the hell is wrong with you people? Please seek counseling.

I don't want to read: stories written in ALL CAPITAL or all lowercase letters. Or without punctuation. Or; with" cr.az,y pu)tua^tion. Or with kr8v spelyng. It's not cute. Trust me, it's just not.

I don't want to read: stories where people obviously did not bother to spell check, or even read over the damn thing, before they posted. HOW LAZY ARE YOU? Why bother writing a story if you don't want to even put half an ass of effort into it? Do us all a favor and get a new hobby. You fucking idiots. There is NO EXCUSE for obviously and completely unedited work, except that the author is a lazy, horrible buttlicker. (You lick butts and you're not even good at it!)

I don't want to read: stories where JC (or whoever) doesn't realize he's gay. Maybe he's always had bisexual feelings but never acted on them, but how the hell does he not know he had anything but purely heterosexual feelings for like a quarter century of life, and then suddenly Justin brushes up against him and he's queer as a three dollar bill?

I don't want to read: stories where everytime JC so much as smiles, Justin pops a huge boner. Okay, unless there's some sort of characterization/plot explanation, where he's got a kink for JC's smiles or just got let out of a monastery? Or something. Because give me a damn break. Just, no.

I don't want to read: stories where they have five orgasms in a row. That would be nice, but again with the giving me a damn break. If you do that, at least label your story "Sci-Fi".

I don't want to read: stories where one (or both) of them are perfect angels. That's boring and lame and fake. (Includes teenage!Justin who is pubescent and yet doesn't seem to realize he has a dick, or dealing-with-teenage!Justin!JC who is more of a mom than a friend and wants to "protect baby Juju". Give me a DAMN BREAK.)

I don't want to read: stories where they get married. It's just...I don't know. Haven't ever met a marriage!fic I've liked. I think it's sappy and stupid. But if it was done well, I'm sure I'd like it.

I don't want to read: stories with threesomes involving women, for obvious reasons.

I don't want to read: stories that drag like a fucking crippled snail on muscle relaxers, due to lack of plot, too many useless details, whatever.

I don't want to read: bad porn.

I don't want to read: stories where JC (or whoever, Lance, but it's usually JC) is a fricking woman. And, like, squeals and cries and giggles and constantly wears pink. Unless it's supposed to be a farce, or something. Also, when one is the "woman" and the other is the "man". They're BOTH MEN, right? Isn't that the point of slash as opposed to het? Don't try to trick me into reading het, you wily breeders! It won't work!

I don't want to read: stories that are started, and then never finished. Anyone who does this is damned to Hades. That is all. Unless your story sucked, in which case: Thank You For Sparing Us All From More.

I don't want to read: stories with no real ending. Open endings are amazing, if done correctly. Non-endings fucking suck. It makes the author seem like s/he was too lazy/stupid to come up with an ending. There is a distinct and important-as-all-fuck difference between an open ending and a non-ending.

I don't want to read: stories where they are Suddenly In Love. Suddenly In Lust works, but Suddenly In Love? A break: give me one! Also, when JC (or whoever) falls in and out of love every five minutes with a laundry list of people, because the author is too crappy to think of an actual plot or build the dynamics of an actual relationship, so instead passes JC around like a community bicycle in the hope that someone will find that interesting.

I don't want to read: bad writing techniques. This covers a lot, many already mentioned, but in particular I'll say here, when an author jumps perspectives. Like, if the entire fic is written in 2nd person POV, but there are vagrant "I, me, my"s and "he, his, their"s, in reference to the 2nd person narrarator. Example: Justin is the 2nd person "You" alone in a room with JC. The story reads, You take JC's hand and they walk to the bed together. Then you toss a blender full of condoms at the wall and JC asks him, "Why did you do that?" and you tell him, "Because I love you." and I kiss JC as he runs his fingers through my luxurious fro.

I don't want to read: stories that concentrate more on Justin (or whoever) and an OC interacting, and the fact that Justin is dating JC is mentioned briefly at the beginning and then never again. And it's actually just a story about Justin and this OC and not about his relationship with JC at all. Unless it is really interesting. Warning to Authors: It probably isn't.

I don't want to read: stories where JC is called "Josh", unless there is some reason. Because, damn it, his name is JC. JC is a cool name. Why doesn't anyone want to use it? Is it really so great for Justin to call him "Josh" (or worse, "Joshua/Joshy")? I really don't think it is. I bet the only people who call JC "Josh" is his family, if anyone. Like, his mom might. That's about it. Remember, Justin (and Joey, on the set) met JC on MMC. He was called "JC" there. By the time he met the rest of them, he'd been "JC" for quite a while. If your story is an AU set in the 1800s, okay, I get why "Josh" is more appropriate. But otherwise? DON'T FIGHT THE JC POWER! Surrender the fantasy!

I don't want to read: stories where they are disabled/have a limp. That's, like, sad.

I don't want to read: stories where they are bums/protistutes. That's fucked up. No one would hook up with a homeless person or a prostitute. That's just dirty, and not in a good way.

I don't want to read: stories where JC (or whoever) throws up, and then Justin kisses him. That's sick, man. Gargle first, or something. People who just threw up are not sexy. This is a fact: BARF-BREATH IS NOT SEXY. I've noticed this happens a lot. Are people not thinking about how gross it is? Because it's really very gross. It really is.

I don't want to read: stories written by a dumbass who doesn't know when to use "of" or "have". Example: Justin should of known better.. I suppose this happens because "should've" sounds like "should of". But, come on, people. THINK. Or misused words. If you don't know what a word means, DO NOT USE IT. EVAH! And also, fake-words like "supposably", etc. THINK, people, THINK!

I don't want to read: stories where Justin has sex for the first time and it doesn't hurt at all! It makes it even better when there isn't any lube used, maybe spit if anything, and no loosening. Just JC ramming right in and Justin's like, "This is fun!" I would like to introduce you all to my friend, Reality. Next time you feel the urge to write painless first-time sex, please go shove something up your ass. Then tell me if it was fun. Oh, but wait. I really don't want to read about painful first-time sex, either, because OW. So, I guess if those are my options...can't there be some happy medium? Just write about third-time sex instead, and allude to how it wasn't great at first, or something. Or I don't know, A LOT of foreplay followed by moderate but bareable discomfort. Why are stories in which Justin Loses His Virginity In Explicit Detail so great, anyway? I'd rather read about the first time Justin had Great Sex.

I don't want to read: stories where JC thinks it's fine to hook up and get nasty with underage!Justin, but refuses to have sex with him until he's eighteen (or sixteen, or whatever). It's okay if they're "waiting until Justin's ready", but waiting for a birthday? That's stupid. Nobody does that. Please raise your hand if you waited until you were eighteen to have sex, just for the sake of being "legal". Yhea, thought so. And why would he automatically be ready when he reached a certain age? And why is JC so great and moralistic for not wanting to fuck Justin until he's of age, but he's fine with dating him and lusting after him? Again, STUPID and FAKE.

I don't want to read: stories where N Sync calls Justin "Jup" or "Juppy". This is not his nickname. It never was. It never will be. P.S. I hate you.

I don't want to read: stories where they are blind/deaf/crippled. No, really. There is a 98% chance that it's entirely unnecessary. Do yourself (and everyone else) a favor and DON’T RISK IT.

I don't want to read: stories where piercings/tattoos magically heal in a matter of hours. What the fuck? No.

I don't want to read: stories with fucking commentary. Let your ego masturbate in private. Unless you are a very good writer (see above in re: You probably ARE NOT), no one is interested in reading your or your stupid characters’ thoughts on your horrible, terrible, no good, very bad fiction.

I don't want to read: stories with fifty cent words/phrases shoved in for the sake of it. You do not look smart by misusing a word with a lot of letters in it, nor by cluttering your fic with awkward, nonsensical epigrams.

I don't want to read: stories where hotel room doors are left conveniently unlocked, thus allowing entry to all and hijinks aplenty! Have you been to a hotel ever? The doors lock behind you. I can swallow (tee hee! I said, “swallow”) that the door wasn’t properly shut and stayed open a crack (tee hee! “crack”!), so just do that. Okay? Because otherwise everyone will hate and mock you.

I don't want to read: stories where a character is Suddenly!Funny. If a character goes through an entire fic being serious and possibly witty but not “funny”, it is disconcerting and unrealistic to have him spontaneously morph into Ellen Degeneres (because if you’re doing this, chances are you’re already writing him as a lesbian). Your story will not suffer from the lack of a character that might be nicknamed “Chuckles”.

I don't want to read: stories that employ epithets. Unless they are being used because the reader is as of yet unaware of the name of a character. If that is the circumstance, then it’s fine. But don’t drag it out, because it GETS OLD QUICKLY. But when we all know it’s JC and Justin, how come Justin kissed the older man passionately? We all know it’s JC. Justin’s been calling him JC the whole time. Why didn’t he just kiss JC passionately? Is it really worth noting that JC is older/shorter/brunette? No, it isn’t. So don’t. Fight the urge! Just Say No to Epithets! This is your fic, this is your fic on epithets. It sucks. Any questions?

I don't want to read: stories where the author cuts in to say No Pun Intended. There is no need to acknowledge/disclaim the pun. The reader does not become bewildered/wonder if you did it on purpose.

I don't want to read: stories written with the assumption that the readers are dumbasses. True, most of them probably are, but it ruins it for the smartasses when every joke is followed by an explanation of why it’s funny. It slows the fic down and takes all the humor out of it. Write for your intelligent readers, because isn’t that whom you hope enjoys it/sends feedback? Let the dummies be confused. They deserve it as a punishment for existing.

I don't want to read: stories that are so ambiguous that the reader has no fucking clue what’s going on. Ambiguous does not equal deep. Nobody will like your story if nobody understands what the fuck just happened, except for the same assholes that dug the Emperor's new clothes. And yes, a writer writes for himself, but when you are putting fiction out for public consumption, you should be aware of your audience. Garbling out nonsensical but pretty words is not thought provoking or impressive. Don’t be an asshole.

I don't want to read: ...more to come, with time, I'm sure.

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